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Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
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23/03/08 2:12pm
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My goodness.
It's been quite some time since I last wrote in this old thing. Almost an entire year. April is approaching again. I'm not ready. I'm never ready. My grades are shitty. My trip to Italy is riding on my last report card. And the Kanye West concert is riding on the current one. I don't think I'm going. It is so silly to base my right to experience new things, on a few letters that mean nothing in the long run. But since American society is based on intelligence and success in school, I'm forced to push my mind to far sometimes. I am so drained. I don't have room for trivial high school classes anymore. It is March and I have been afflicted with a bout of senioritis just like everyone else I know. All I can think about is him, prom, graduation, and summer.
There is one small problem with him though.
Your prom dress is like your wedding dress. When you find the one, you just know. No one else should have a say, as long as you feel perfect in it. However, he does not see it that way. It must be a compromise for us. We have to agree on it. And I let myself fall in love with a dress that makes me feel like a goddess. A long, satin and chiffon dream, cascading down the floor, pooling in a mess of ice blue perfection. But since he doesn't like it, I can't get it. Since he thinks it's plain, I have to just let it go. Let me just say, there is nothing plain about this dress. The little details are impeccably thought-out. Whether it be the beaded flower strap, or the way it leads down until the chiffon pours out of it like a waterfall, or the perfect contrast between the satin and chiffon, this dress is not ordinary. It's within my budget, and it fits like a dream. And I can't have it. It makes me mad. Because I know I said I'd compromise, but I wish I hadn't. I feel bad, because I already know when we go shopping again, all I'm gonna be thinking about my ice blue dream dress. And I'm gonna be no fun whatsoever. It's my fault, not his. And now I'm angry at myself. That won't change. I just hope he can deal with the fact that I won't be as excited about anything else, I won't feel as beautiful is anything else. I have passed up the one, and everything else is going to feel sub-par now. I just felt that I should let him know this before we shop again. I don't mean to guilt trip him, I'm not trying to get him to give in and let me get the dress. I just want to be honest about my feelings, and the way I'm going to be when we try and find something that we both like. But at this moment I feel sad and defeated because I have to let something go that I really liked. It feels like you have very little control when someone shoots down something really special to you. When he said he didn't like it, I felt like I had lost all control. Even when he loved something that I didn't like that much, I tried to find good things about it. But it felt like he was like "Naaaah. I don't like it so she can't get that one!" I feel like I'm not in control of what I'm wearing. I feel like all the progress we made is erased. All because I let myself feel too beautiful in that fucking dress. And I apologize to him for telling myself I was willing to compromise 50/50 on a dress, when deep deep down I probably wasn't. Its fucked up, I know, but a little itty-bitty part of me feels like he still shouldn't have as much of a say as he does. It's horrible, because our goal as a couple is to compromise, but in this one issue I just can't seem to let that piece of me go.
I'm so fucking sorry.
current mood:  crappy
current music: Circa Survive- Juturna- We're All Thieves
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| Monday, April 2nd, 2007
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02/04/07 5:45pm - i can finally say it.
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I can say I've been loved, and that I have loved.
He is my everything.
All I can see is him.
He is my last thought before I sleep, and the first person I think of as I awaken.
He loves me.
He loved me first, and only me.
He is the only man I've loved in my life. I have never loved another the way I love him.
I see two sets of footprints in the path we are taking, towards a higher level of us.
I know I am not alone.
I know he is my rock.
I trust him completely.
And now that I know this is love, well,
I'm not afraid to give myself anymore.
current mood:  for the girls to get here!
current music: Klaxons- Myths of the Near Future
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| Friday, February 9th, 2007
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09/02/07 8:31pm - woop.
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im feeling happy all the time.
at first, i didn't pay any notice to it, because me and luke had just gotten back together.
but now, i have.
im mushy.
im a big pile of mush.
i giggle, and smile, and let my mind wander, and i float.
and when i see him, thats all i see.
i have a fear of getting myself in too deep.
correction: too soon.
the fear of getting hurt has dissapated, but i still have this small need to protect myself.
he's my first real, see him everyday, wanna be with him all the time, make out on the regular, smile when i think of him, boyfriend.
and i:
a. don't want to get hurt again.
b. don't want to give all of myself and have nothing left if it ends.
he just makes all these unforeseen thoughts pop into my head.
i worry about moving to fast.
and lately, sex has been on my mind.
i've been internally fighting with myself on whether thats even an option in our relationship.
only i can make it one.
i always saw myself waiting until i was at least 18, but he makes me want to do things, and to feel him in ways that i've never wanted to feel anyone before.
im confused.
but im happy.
and i won't let my confusion get in the way of being happy.
whatever happens, happens.
i might fall in love with this one.
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Fall Out Boy- Golden
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| Saturday, January 6th, 2007
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06/01/07 7:51pm - man
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the new year has begun, and its off to a really good start. my boyfriend came over and spent new years eve with me and my family, and i finally told my parents that we're not just friends. its really good to be able to call him my boyfriend to my parents' faces. on top of that, he's being an amazing boyfriend. he's really trying to be the best, because i think he really feels bad about hurting me the first time around. i feel like we really belong together, and thats a great feeling.
past the emotional part of it, the physical part is even more amazing. the kissing is great, he knows when to do what, and he's so attentive, and eager to please me. i just hope everything keeps going this well, because we're going to kalamozoo for a week in march for a club, and if we're still together, we get a week of almost unsupervised fun. who knows what could go down...
i think im falling.
current mood: calm
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